Everyone can tell a story of an unpleasant, unexpected interaction, which is how we justify limiting all interactions. We thank God for the Uber that keeps us from another shared cab ride. In limiting the unexpected, think of all the beautiful we have missed. Going First, we don’t just want to move out of isolation; it means we value other beings and what can happen when we are a connection-first person instead of a convenience-first person. This doesn’t mean we should feel the pressure to be an extrovert if we are an introvert. I have heard too many sermons in my day that spiritualize extroversion. On the other side, you can’t live an isolated and convenient life and blame your disposition. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you can become a Go First person. For example, I am a natural introvert. I hesitate to make the first phone call or set up the lunch. Years ago, I made the decision that if I was going to err on the side of loneliness or too much social interaction, I pick the latter. The scars of too much loneliness are much deeper than the angst of too many lunch meetings.

You have to design your social life and pursue it, or it will not happen. At the same time a life without meaningful connection is a life you don’t want. When it comes to relationships, we tend to use words like deep, shallow, acquaintance, and so on. I want to encourage you to use a new word. Pursue. Who are you pursuing relationships with?

The quantity or quality of your relationships isn’t relevant if you aren’t pursuing them. You cannot put your friends in the exhausting position of always pursuing you. If your friends are always calling you, that isn’t a friend, that’s a stalker. At a depth level, there needs to be at least one person not related to you that you are pursuing as a friend.

IF YOU CURRENTLY TOOK INVENTORY OF YOUR CONNECTIONS, DO YOU PURSUE OTHERS, OR DO THEY ALWAYS PURSUE YOU? ARE YOU INVITING OR WAITING TO BE INVITED? ARE THERE AS MANY CALLS OUT ON YOUR PHONE AS THERE ARE CALLS IN?

Initiation is what makes the world go round. At the same time, think through the levels of your friends. A good rule is that you should have at least one person who is older than you (mentor), one person who is in your stage of life (peer), and one person who is younger than you that you are mentoring.

Typically, if we have a social life, our friends are in our age group. You have something to offer someone, and someone has something to offer you. If you make a meaningful attempt to pursue connections with those younger and older, it will yield a meaningful reward for them and you. I have several friends significantly older than I am, and those friendships have changed my life. I have noticed that the older people get the wiser they seem to be. At the same time, I have noticed that the older people get, the busier we all seem to be. The busier and wiser someone is, the harder you have to pursue. There is gold on the other side of that rainbow.

I have always been amazed at how much friendships with those younger than me have yielded. Rosanna and I have intentionally surrounded ourselves with twenty-somethings well past our own twenty-somethings, and we are always grateful. While those friendships tend to be more transient, they tend to be more honest. The younger someone is, the more vulnerable they tend to be. Like myself, many of you grew up believing that talking about your emotions is not important. You need a friend who doesn’t believe that. That friend is probably younger than you.

If you don’t know where to start, look around your neighborhood or complex. I have noticed that every street I have lived on has that one neighbor who pursues relationships with the other neighbors. He or she is the one who always seems to host the event or knock on your door to sign the petition. I am not suggesting you have to become that neighbor, but you can learn the art of pursuing from them. They create space for connection. They have a passion for adding meaning to their neighborhood and the lives of those around them. They’ve rejected apathy. They’ve gone first and the whole street knows their name and is grateful.

Your circle may not be on your street – but you can become that person to the world around you.