For example, I have noticed on the sidelines of my kids’ football or soccer games, fights will often break out between parents. A few nights ago, the ref had to stop a flag football game of 8 year-olds to talk to the parents. What would cause a parent to turn a moment of fun for 8 year-olds into a shouting match with a referee? As this transpired, I wondered if the man screaming from the sidelines showed up with that much passion to the rest of his day, or if for some reason this event brought out a side of him that surprised himself. I have noticed driving does the same thing to me. I can be calm all day but you put me in traffic and I am in a melt down. Why? 

We should be curious – especially when it comes to our triggers. Your behaviors on the surface are the result of a Mariana Trench underneath. Often, our family of origin, a trauma, a broken relationship will surface in unexpected ways. We can all watch an angry dad on a sideline and know that this has very little to do with football or his child. This is about some unnamed monster lurking under the surface that has been provoked.  The same is true for us. 

In my experience, I want Rosanna, my kids, my coworkers, my friends to accommodate or adjust to my attitudes and behaviors, even when they are unhealthy. That is going second. I have to Go First at understanding myself. What am I mad about? What am I sad about? How you react to the world around you is your choice. Have you examined moments where you overreact and wondered why? If we do not self-examine we will self-sabotage. 

Getting curious about your anxiety, busyness, and exhaustion is the key to unlocking emotional health.

Why do I feel beholden to this anxious and busy life? In recent months, I have noticed much of my own busyness and anxiety is connected to others' expectations on me. We all have people in our lives who are chronically putting a “should” over our head. You know what this sounds like. It’s the person at work who abdicates their work and tells you that you do a better job and you “should” take their work. It’s a parent who calls and says you “should” plan that gathering for that aunt you haven’t seen in 4 years. Life can be a death by should. I have begun to pay attention to that word. When I hear it, I am letting someone else go first in creating my life. Should is not always bad. But it does have the potential to spiral me into an anxious life. 

Emotional health will not come to you, you have to go get it. Right now, you are leading something. A family. A team. A company. Watch what happens when you start asking deep questions of yourself. Those you lead will begin to do the same. I remember running a half marathon a few years ago. While I was on the course, there were those who ran with heavy breathing and an unpredictable stride. I noticed I naturally moved away from them. Their heavy breathing made me breathe heavily. I wanted to be in the presence of calm and controlled runners. The same is true in life. We are repelled by a lack of health and drawn into it when we see it or experience it. I truly believe the best leader in the room is not the person with the best title, it is the person with the best emotional health. The person with the biggest title will naturally listen to the person with the most health. It’s human nature. If you want to lead well, get curious about your choices, anxieties, attitudes and behaviors. Spend some time in the Mariana Trench. You will lead far beyond your title. The world is drowning in information but it is starving for wisdom. A Go First leader is wise, not because they have read the right book, but they have read themselves. Wisdom comes from going into the deep waters. 

As you do this with yourself, you will have to do it with others. As I have become more aware of my own emotional landscape, I have become curious about the emotions of those around me. Recently, I decided I wanted to know the hopes and anxieties of my friends, coworkers, and family. Sometimes I ask them directly, others I ask them through big picture questions. That desire has created deep bonds. It has forced deep conversations. When two people show up for one another, without distraction, and they want to know the other's hopes and anxieties, it gives the Spirit unique room to work. It creates unexpected moments. Do you know the hopes and anxieties of your spouse, kids, roommates, friends? If you Go First… they will follow. 

As Go First leaders, we have the ability and responsibility to dictate the emotional temperature of the rooms we are in, regardless of our rank or title.

Someone has to set the emotional tone for the room. It’s your turn to Go First.